Live together, die alone.

Epic fail. I lost my chapstick between the seats in the car.

For the amount to times I've entered a bathroom stall with no toilet paper, you'd think I'd check. But I don't. Sheesh.

Went swimming, arrived wearing my swimsuit and brought a change of clothes for the day. Forgot underwear.

Chrispy chicken strips and a giant pile of fries, out of ketchup.

I'd never survive on the island.

Promises, Promises

It turns out I was right, of course, about this blog. I started it with good intentions, but forgot about it much like I thought I would. However, and I say this lightly, I received an iPad on vacation visiting my family and have decided to try writing and updating my blog more often. Again, who knows how long this will last, but I owe it to myself to try. My goal is to write SOMETHING everyday. Either about the events of the day, as I often find myself surrounded by hilarity and chaos, or something I'm thankful for, or something cynical, the kind of writing I do best. Of course I don't expect everything to be witty or brilliant, although it will be. And no one will read it, which is already a shame. But at least I'll finally do something I said I'd do. It'll be like in the movie Julie and Julia, only this story doesn't end with Julia Child calling me a bitch. Because she's dead.

The Car Capsule, or The Reason You're a Douche

I've never been one to marvel at a nice car. I mean sure, I notice a sharp looking classic every now and then, but my idea of the greatest car ever is a Toyota Prius, safety problems and all, I want one like Veruca Salt wanted that goose who laid golden eggs.

I am currently driving my 2002 Honda Civic, Oscar, into the ground at record speed. I've maybe washed the car twice since I've driven it off the lot, and the undercarriage plastic protector thingy (that's the official name of the part) is being held up with a combination of duct tape and zip ties. It's a vivid picture of how much I just don't care about my non Prius.

Living in Los Angeles, I see a lot of people who carry strange love for their cars. Fresh wax jobs, tops down, shiny and perfect, just like the plastic men and women driving inside them. They take care to make sure everyone knows they are certifiably cool in their sweet rides. As if listening to their music as they pull up behind me isn't bad enough, now I can spot these assholes from the glare I get glistening off their protector shields as they're parked.

What am I talking about? Today I saw an advertisement for The Car Capsule. The world's answer to the question: How can I make myself appear douchier?


I know it must be so difficult to keep your car spotless every moment of the day, I mean God forbid you get a fingerprint on the pristine paint job of your vehicle as I'm sure you wear gloves just to open the driver's side door. But is this thing necessary?

Don't get me wrong, I probably would have loved this as a kid. I mean, come on, I'm pretty much having a silent nerdgasm imaging I was on the Starship Enterprise putting up my shields against the Klingon ships. But the truth of the matter is, no matter how badly I might want to crawl inside and act out my fantasy, you probably can't inflate this with a person inside of it.

So folks, not only is this a real thing, it's a thing that just screams out what kind of asshole you really are. A huge one. It's a bubble, like the reality you live in. It's full of air, like your giant skull cavity where your tiny little brain floats around. It takes up space, much like you do in this universe. And we could all do without it.

The only thing this capsule is going to do is give me another step in the process of keying the words Douche Nozzle into your side panel. And frankly, I never mind a little extra work.

It's okay if things are...

Oh good every now and again.

And right now, things are very good.

Unless you're that lady in New York that ate her baby's brain and face...then things are bad.

But for me, pretty good.

Family Portrait

"How many people are in the house, ma'am?"

"6."

"No, 7."

"6."

"7!"

The Dreaded Oh Good Inquisitor.

Better than a frat house, because no frat guys live in it. You'll never find a sideways hat here, unless it's tipped on Kyle's drunk, passed out head. We have O-Weens that end in sticky floors and trips to the recycling center. Although four people actually live there, at any given time, you can find an additional three or more guests. The place where two cats are just as much work as one cat. Pass by in the evening, you can find us sitting on the front porch, admiring our museum, drinking Natty Light, smoking cigarettes, listening to old records, and enjoying each others company.

Walkin' down the streets in Highland Park, never thought you'd be scared of the dark...

The Pirate house is my family, and for the first time, in a long time, everything feels...right.

Kyle, Eddie and Sara actually pay rent, the rest of the deck hands help provide endless hours of gut busting laughter and insightful advice. We are a full crew of scalawags and swashbuckling adventure seekers. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Welcome aboard: Elizabeth, if you need something you can't find, don't worry, it'll ch-ow you.

You can be assured when I hear the swing back of the screen door I rush upstairs to see Elizabeth and say, "YAY!" Yeah, I pretty much adore her. A perfect compliment to my roommate Kyle, Elizabeth is radtastical. She's fun, loves awesome music, is in a great band, and she likes me (a quality I enjoy in most people). And let's be honest here, if you can help bathe Captain Pee Pee Pants after a long weekend of drinking and not sleeping, you're pretty much my hero. I've got to stop talking about Elizabeth, it sounds like I have a crush on her. But, yeah, she's great.

Oh Pete: You old salty dog. I know something is actually funny when you're laughing at it. Thanks for being my funny-meter.

No one is more suited for my best friend and sister like Pete. They very clearly drive each other crazy, and at the end of the day support and care for one another completely. Pete is a great guy, and the fact that he puts up with Sara and Sara 2's bullshit on a day to day basis, is pretty amazing. He genuinely cares about all of us and knows how to have a good time. Pete also makes a killer margarita in his magic bullet. Even though The Politicians have broken up a million times, they're still great bowlers and musicians, and I'm grateful to Punk Rock Bowling for bringing us all together. He makes Sara happy, and that makes me happy. Pete, I think you're pretty awesome.

Other crew members include, but not limited to:

Raul: Master of Disguise, Keeper of the Lightsabers (for the wii), Excellent Bowler, Wearer of Jeans, Born Again Rock Star. And my friend.

Merryn: Maker of Videos, Allergic to Shellfish, Eater of imitation Crab, Lover of Cake. Overall Great Person.


More matties to come.

Whaaa? Wednesday

It's time for... Whaaa? Wednesday!


Seriously, folks, the Japanese invent some pretty amazing, useless crap, but this one might be brilliant. Because eating soup with chopsticks isn't awkward enough, now you can do it in style. Not only will I fulfill my dream of looking like a hot pink sunflower, but my hair will forever stay out of my food! Amazing. It can also act as a splash guard against scalding broth ricocheting of your delicate ears and forehead. Does this come in one-size-fits-all? Because not all faces are created equally. And I'm a little concerned for the long haired population, I mean, can you not just tie back your hair? I know we Americans like to complicate things, but come on, get a rubber band. Someone should tell this women to cheer up, she no longer has to shower after meals. Food free hair for a lifetime.

This is the life.

Volumes of Chapters

Local bands hardly get enough credit and recognition for the art they spend so many hours creating. Even some popular music, idolized by myself and a select few hundred around the world, are passed over by the youthful masses who are trying to get their grubby paws on the newest Fall Out Boy album, or the latest release by pop sensation Justin Timberlake. Don't get me wrong, both are valid musicians (I guess), it just makes me sad to see something I truly admire passed by for the same sack of over processed auto-tuned dribble. Music has always played a huge part in my life, as with most of the general population. We all have songs that strike up emotions in us we cannot explain. We all connect certain pieces of music to specific events in our lives. We become nostalgic and existential.

When I am graced with the opportunity to enjoy new music, I seize it with incredible force. It is not often I find something I enjoy listening to made by this generation. My usual repertoire of melodic stomping and clapping of Tom Waits records mixed with the sweet child-like voices and plaything sounds of CocoRosie, is not your typical Top 40 Hit. Exploring and sharing new music should be a collaborative effort, if you have something magnificent to share, please feel free to pass it my way. Below are a few bands and songs you should keep your ears peeled for (Sara, that one's for you).

The Ignorant

Local Los Angeles based band, The Ignorant, currently recording their next album, a split with Johnny Madcap and the Distractions, due later this year on Northeast Records, is about to head across the US for their countrywide tour. When listening to this four piece punk band, it's easy to see they are musically influenced by The Ramones, The Clash, and Youth Brigade, to name a few, mixed with the poetic lyricism of old souls like Dylan and Waits. Full of powerful energy and a few too many whiskey shots, this is a band you'll want to see live.

Tour schedule can be found online. Listen to their music: www.myspace.com/theignorant

Black Party Politics

When trying to classify Black Party Politics, I usually draw a complicated blank. Are they experimental rock, infused with funk, with a dash of soul, sprinkled with passionate and provocative lyrics? Sure. That's sounds about right. This dynamic band, fronted by vocal powerhouse Eddie Henry, busts down the walls of todays popular music, embodying a sound to lead and inspire future musicians to create music like they did in the good-ol'-days. Creating a visible explosive chemistry, Black Party Politics tears up a stage and leaves a lasting impression to its audience. With a growing fan base, this young band proves to have a promising future. Some older recordings and recent video of live performances are up on: www.myspace.com/blackpartypolitics

Check out Black Party Politics at their monthly warehouse show, The Boogie Den, the last Saturday night of the month. Great deal, $10 at the door, OPEN BAR all night, vintage clothing sale $4 per pound of clothing, and superb live music.

Brandon Jordan

Said to be the voice of our generation, the lead singer for LA band, Kill Radio, heads up his solo project, recording everything on his own. Jordan's masterful guitar playing matched with painfully beautiful lyrics shows us a completely different sound to his raw and ravenous vocals for Kill Radio. As a big fan of both, it's incredible to see Jordan's transformation between projects, and inspiring to witness the growth in this particular performer. His music is personal and relatable. For Brandon's solo project: www.myspace.com/brandonjordanfree And for Kill Radio: www.myspace.com/killradio

Kill Radio will be playing their first show back from hiatus at Black Party Politics Boogie Den. Check out the space for more information.

Fun Machine

Although not a Los Angeles band, local New Jersey band Fun Machine recently rolled through LA on their countrywide tour booked through Nine 12 Records. Fun Machine's original circus sounds in a hall of mirrors can make even the squarest of squares get on their feet. Not only are they a group of genuinely good folks, their bizarre music is catchy and, for lack of a better word, fun to listen to. Their latest release, Sonnenhuhn, can be purchased through iTunes and Amazon, and if you don't live on the East coast, take advantage of the ease in which to purchase this record. Hopefully Fun Machine will hit the road again, this is a band I will continue to follow.

Take a listen: www.myspace.com/funmachine

Killsonic

What would you do if you were waiting to ride the Metro Red Line and all of a sudden a twenty plus piece band invades the underground LA tunnels with a cloud of big band jazz punk music? Well...you enjoy it. Dressed to the nines in all black with red accents, Killsonic is littered with accordions, horns, drums, cymbals, whistles and a megaphone, creating original, experimental, improvisational music in various unique locations. Watching each live performance is like watching Picasso paint a masterpiece right before your very eyes. Each musician brings their own unique style to this collaborative effort, showcasing their strengths and supporting their weaknesses. They have two releases to date and are working with new musicians everyday, always experimenting with new sounds. Lead by band leader, Princess Frank, vocalist and guitar for Masterslave, this one of a kind group of performers is an exciting experience you should see at least once.

Visit their space for show info: www.myspace.com/killsonic