I am currently driving my 2002 Honda Civic, Oscar, into the ground at record speed. I've maybe washed the car twice since I've driven it off the lot, and the undercarriage plastic protector thingy (that's the official name of the part) is being held up with a combination of duct tape and zip ties. It's a vivid picture of how much I just don't care about my non Prius.
Living in Los Angeles, I see a lot of people who carry strange love for their cars. Fresh wax jobs, tops down, shiny and perfect, just like the plastic men and women driving inside them. They take care to make sure everyone knows they are certifiably cool in their sweet rides. As if listening to their music as they pull up behind me isn't bad enough, now I can spot these assholes from the glare I get glistening off their protector shields as they're parked.
What am I talking about? Today I saw an advertisement for The Car Capsule. The world's answer to the question: How can I make myself appear douchier?
I know it must be so difficult to keep your car spotless every moment of the day, I mean God forbid you get a fingerprint on the pristine paint job of your vehicle as I'm sure you wear gloves just to open the driver's side door. But is this thing necessary?
Don't get me wrong, I probably would have loved this as a kid. I mean, come on, I'm pretty much having a silent nerdgasm imaging I was on the Starship Enterprise putting up my shields against the Klingon ships. But the truth of the matter is, no matter how badly I might want to crawl inside and act out my fantasy, you probably can't inflate this with a person inside of it.
So folks, not only is this a real thing, it's a thing that just screams out what kind of asshole you really are. A huge one. It's a bubble, like the reality you live in. It's full of air, like your giant skull cavity where your tiny little brain floats around. It takes up space, much like you do in this universe. And we could all do without it.
The only thing this capsule is going to do is give me another step in the process of keying the words Douche Nozzle into your side panel. And frankly, I never mind a little extra work.
